Toad Wins the Girl
by Nitocolus
Summary: In every incarnation of Toad and Scarlet Witch, Toad fails to win her over. What if events from the comic happened in an alternate version of the TV show? It might just be crazy enough to work... OneShot.


"Tolansky!" A rageful howl echoed down the streets.

Toad managed to jump to a third-story window and he looked carefully down upon the vengeful vixen that strolled down the alley way of the slums. She had short, black hair with red streaks and wore a red coat and black clothes.

Toad himself had gone through some changes ever since the power struggle within the Brotherhood prompted him to be leader, and sure enough, he took over with his new powers that arose through puberty. He got a haircut, grew a need for corrective and protective goggles, and ditched his old costume for something more commanding but stylish.

Unfortunately, not even his new appearance or powers could prepare him for the wrath of his lifetime crush, Wanda Maximoff, a girl gifted with the power to alter reality itself to her will. Toad had made her really, really, mad.

It all started with a run-in with Nightcrawler…

Todd Tolansky had been drinking again. It was just a habit he had picked up from hanging with the wrong crowd, and he was usually a responsible drinker, but tonight was different. He had seen Wanda with another man again.

No matter how hard he tried, how much he sacrificed, how powerful he became, she would always find someone better. She would always take his offerings and achievements, give a few murmurs of false pride, slap it back in his face, and go out with another stranger.

Toad was sick of it, so he did the only thing he could do: drink until the pain and anger went away. That was his first mistake of the evening, as drinking only enhances the pain and anger, and Toad had had a lot to drink that night.

His second mistake was running into Kurt Wagner, the Nightcrawler while he was on a date with Kitty Pryde. It wasn't as if he was stalking them, or even knew where they were; he just simply stumbled upon them. Then an idea came upon him born of his longing, his pain, his cunning, and his deviancy.

"Well, I still don't understand why you dragged me out here. Aren't we just friends?" Kurt asked. "Well, yeah, but can't two friends just hang out?" Kitty retaliated. "Oh, let's not—Wait, I smell a…" Kurt cut off.

Toad jumped out of the shadows, putting his acrobatic prowess and skill to the test to perform entertaining aerial tricks merely to show off. Finally he landed before the two X-Men, his worn-out spats and long-tailed coat touching the ground as he crouched before them.

"Toad." Kurt finished, "You would've been good in the circus." "Especially with that monkey suit!" Kitty added, laughing. Toad looked down at his new garbs. It was just a tattered tux coat, spats, some baggy pants and a green sweater. It wasn't really a monkey suit, but it wasn't quite 'casual'.

"Look, you furry gecko, I need to borrow that little watch-of-tricks you got there." Toad said, his words on the verge of slurring. "Ugh… You smell worse than usual. Are you drunk?" Kurt asked, plugging his nose. Kitty repeated the action.

"And if I am?" Toad asked, standing up and falling flat on his ass in the process. He began to laugh. "I've been crouching so long I forgot how to walk!" Toad continued to laugh, earning him some disturbed looks from Kitty and Kurt.

Soon, his laughter broke into crying and he fell to his knees before Kurt. "It's Wanda again… I just got to impress her!" Toad pleaded. "No, Toad! It didn't work las time!" Kurt responded. "And why isn't she impressed? I mean, you took over the Brotherhood and have an army of frogs at your disposal! Not to mention your technical genius!" Kitty said.

Toad looked up at Kitty. "Well, that's very kind of you, but it ain't good enough for Wanda, so it ain't good enough for me." Toad explained. "Why don't you just use some of that psionic goo and make her fall in love with you?" Kurt asked. "Because it's immoral!" Toad said. "And using a holographic watch to fake an identity and make out with her isn't?" Kurt retorted. Toad ground his teeth.

"Well, I'll use my psionic goo on _you_ if you don't let me use it!" Toad shouted in his drunken rage, entering a wobbly battle stance. Kurt rolled his eyes. "Exactly how many of us are standing here?" Kurt asked. Toad blinked. "Uh… I think there's three of you and two of her…" He muttered, falling back to his crouching position.

Normally Toad would be a threat, a difficult, challenging opponent, but now he was drunk and desperate, which could also be dangerous. Toad, using one of his pathetic appearances he used to have when he was a teenager, sat before Kurt and Kitty.

"Ugh, just give him the watch! We'll go back to the X Mansion and find something to do." Kitty begged, getting depressed from Toad's appearance. Kurt sighed and unhooked his watch, tossing it to Toad. Toad happily slapped the watch on and turned into the skater punk Wanda was talking to.

"Give it back to me after you're done. Got it?" Kurt asked, grabbing Toad by his collar. "Crystal clear buddies!" Toad said, hiccupping. Kurt grabbed Kitty and the two teleported away from the drunken mutant.

"Now to see Wanda…" Toad hopped towards the old Brotherhood hideout happily.

Looking back on it, he should've just gone back and given him the watch, but then again, he probably could have beaten the tar out of the X-creeps if he had been sober. It didn't really matter, he was sober now.

His second mistake was replacing her boyfriend, and third was getting in bed with her. Toad grinned. It had been worth it.

Toad had the skater punk hypnotized and had him skate five miles to the nearest river and jump in it. He wouldn't drown, but no plan was perfect. Now he had Wanda all to himself.

"'Ello, Love." Toad said, his words slurring slightly. Wanda looked up at him from her spot on the bed. "Trying the British thing? Cute." Wanda said. Toad quickly changed back to the skater's accent. "So, where were we?" He asked, sitting down on the bed.

His response was Wanda kissing him, not passionately like their first time back at the ski lodge, but lustfully as if he was just another boyfriend she'd have for a few weeks at most. Toad responded with passionate gestures, and at first Wanda was questioning why he was doing so, but then something happened.

Toad's saliva can produce a host of chemicals that range from acidic properties to psionic properties. Mixed with alcohol, his emotions can fuel the production of varying chemicals and hormones produced by his saliva glands. Unfortunately, Toad's hormone and alcohol level led to the production of a certain hormone that only fueled Wanda's lust.

Toad was thrust onto the bed. "Oi, this is gonna bad, ain't it?" He asked, trying to laugh to lighten the mood. Wanda began to lick his neck. Toad couldn't tell whether to feel bad or feel good, so he just let it happen.

"That's gotta be the first time an intoxicated guy took advantage of an intoxicated female and felt regret _during_ the intercourse." Toad muttered under his breath after the red-haired witch passed him.

The flooring exploded behind him, the shattered wood turning to liquid metal and landing around him, hardening into wooden planks again. Toad gulped as the Scarlet Witch hovered in through the hole and glared at him.

"'Ello Love?" Toad muttered uneasily. He was thrown to the floor by a hex bolt that had the chains hanging from his tuxedo coat turn into snakes. Toad quickly threw the snakes off of himself and returned his attention to the witch. She was glaring at him questioningly. Toad sighed. If he was going to die, he might as well spill his heart out.

"Wanda, I'm not asking you to forgive me, but at least listen to the explanation of my reasoning which led to poor judgment, which led to the current situation, heh heh." Toad chuckled. Wanda wasn't amused. 'Ok Toad, time to get serious.' Toad thought.

"Wanda, I'm a miserable excuse of a man. I've been a servant to many men and women, a coward in several battles, a terrible friend, and a horrible liar," Toad began, wincing at his self-inflicted insults, "but at least I tried to be a man for you.

"I've fought by your side, rescued you on many occasions, and even considered staying here, with you, rather than going off to England. I've taken power in the Brotherhood, taken control of my powers. I've become a match for even the toughest of the X-Men, I've become a threat; and with these powers, the old Toad is dead. All dead, except his heart.

"My heart still beats for you Wanda. It has always lived for you and has always been willing to die for you! Every action I've made since my return from England has been an action of love! An action to impress you!" Toad inhaled sharply as he let a restrained tear roll down his cheek. "So, if you can't see my love for you, or worse, just don't care for my love of you… Well, maybe it's better if you just kill me and end my miserable existence." Toad finished, falling to his knees before the red sorceress.

Scarlet Witch descended down to the young mutant man that lay crouched before her, his head down in depression. Toad wasn't sure if it was leftover chemicals, hormones, or if Wanda was doing it of her own will, but she kissed him passionately and with love. Toad, surprised, soon joined in.

The two stayed there for the rest of the morning.

Toad was whistling as he walked down a sidewalk to the X-Mansion, through town. He kept whistling as others whispered rumours and offenses about his off-coloured skin and his crooked spine. He kept whistling when Pietro came up beside him.

"What are you doing?" Pietro asked, gesturing at Toad's walking on two legs instead of his usually mode of travel. Toad smirked. "Ever hear that song _I'm_ _Walking on Sunshine_?" Toad asked. Pietro gave a questioning nod. "That's what I'm doing." Toad explained, returning to whistling the song.

Pietro rolled his eyes. "Well, Wanda came home last night; which is odd. You have any idea what happened to her, you know, since you stalk her sometimes?" Pietro asked. Toad kept whistling but did stop to reply. "I heard she found a nice guy." Toad answered. Pietro shrugged and ran off.

Toad arrived at the X-Mansion and left a tiny box with card attached to it before hopping off, his legs and back tired of walking. Kurt Wagner received the box later that day and opened it to find his watch. He read the card:

_Dear furry gecko,_

_Thanks for letting me borrow this; it worked._

_P.S. Your batteries are dead._

_Sincerely_

_Todd Tolansky_

END


End file.
